


The Sea

by fallout_darling



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post-Split
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-23
Updated: 2013-11-23
Packaged: 2018-01-02 11:05:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1056022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallout_darling/pseuds/fallout_darling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan is drowning, in smoke and memories, in voices and touches. He's been swimming for years but he can't now. He's so, so tired.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

 

Ryan can't stay afloat anymore. He's drowning, drowning, drowning. He can't do it anymore, he can't. He's so tired of the constant flashbacks, the blinding headaches, and the aching pain. Everywhere he turns he's reminded of the biggest mistake he ever made and it's taunting him. He wants to let himself be dragged under, but his survival instinct won't let him. It's dragging him to the surface and he's gasping for air, but he's barely getting enough and it's  _still_ around him. It's filling his lungs, making him choke and call out but no one can help. He made sure a long time ago that no one would be around to help.

The guilt already tore him apart. He's open and bleeding, blood mixing with the salt-water that drips from his eyes. His tears are an ever-changing ocean, growing and shrinking and filling the land with scars when the water dries up. There's no life for miles, and you could see it in his eyes. He never had much life in them to begin with. He should be as dry as the place he grew up in, but the sorrow keeps coming. It doesn't kill him, it keeps him alive. It hurts more that way.

He hasn't eaten in days. He doesn't see the point. Anything to stop the memories. He can't swim anymore, he can't ignore the never ending waves. He wants the birds to pick at his skin, to destroy him and everything he's ever done. He deserves it. He's destroyed his own fair share of people. It's ironic the one person he never wanted to hurt was killing him in the most painful way. But he deserved it. They were there now, listing with tired ears as Ryan sobbed into the phone about how he fucked up and he's sorry. He's knows he's not making any sense but he's drowing. There's not enough oxygen getting to his brain. But he's so, so sorry. 

It's impossible to sleep when he's being tossed back and forth and pulled under. He can't remember the last time he'd slept. He can't remember anything other than  _him._

And it's so real that Ryan calls out his name, choking around the water that has pooled in his lungs. And then Brendon pulls him up out of the water and holds him but he's just so  _cold._ He knows it's too late, the water is in his bones. He can't drown but he can freeze. And the only thing he can hear is his name being called again and again as the water drips out of his wrists and flows away. Theres no more sorrow in him. It's pooled into the broken brown eyes that watch as he gasps his last breath.

He's so, so sorry he couldn't stay afloat anymore.


	2. Chapter 2

Maybe Brendon shouldn't have gotten angry when Ryan called. But seriously, who could stay calm when their ex-bandmate and boyfriend calls at 3 a.m. drunk crying about how much he misses you. And Brendon, as much as he still loves him, can't swallow that easily. He was so torn up about the breakup for weeks and months. Ryan can't call out of the blue like that, it's just not right. And maybe the way he hung up on Ryan wasn't right either.

And that's why Brendon was standing outside Ryan's apartment, looking very out of place. He glanced at his watch- 7:26- and watched the flickering street light that guarded the empty street. Why the  _hell_ was it dark out already. Maybe Brendon should come back tomorrow. And maybe he was kindof stalling. 

Steeling the nerves that were not already fried from the previously sleepless night, he walked up and used the key he still had to open the door. By the time he'd climbed the creaking stairs up to Ryan's floor they'd all abandoned him. He really shouldn't be here. Ryan was just drunk, he probably didn't mean what he'd said. God, Brendon didn't think he could be let down like that again. He'd destroy any progress he'd made of getting Ryan off of him and out of his mind. But he still loved him too much and missed him. He was so tired of missing him. 

So he knocked on the door. And knocked. After five minutes he just assumed no one was home. Slightly relieved, he turned to leave when he heard a thump and a choked sound come from the exact apartment he'd spent the last few moments pounding on. And he knew that sound. It has replayed in his dreams constantly since Ryan left. It was the sound he made when he was crying and couldn't get enough air. And Brendon didn't hesitate to use his key again. 

What he found nearly killed him. He was late. So very late. 

Ryan was curled up on the floor with tears rolling down his face and blood rolling down his wrists. The knife he'd used was tossed next to a couple empty sleeping and pain med bottles a few inches away. And Brendon knew he wouldn't live.

Brendon couldn't remember how he'd gotten to Ryan so fast, but he was there trying to get Ryan's eyes to focus on him. But his eyes were clouded with the drugs and he was so out of it and probably already half gone.

"Ry, Ryan, come on, look at me," Brendon said frantically. Tears were dripping down his cheeks and mixing in with Ryan's. "Please Ry, please,". Why was he trying so hard. There wasn't anything he could do. He couldn't help Ryan. He was too late. He shouldn't of hung up, maybe Ryan wouldn't be here, maybe he wouldn't be bleeding through Brendon's coat and the carpet underneath them. "No, no," He was full out crying now, his vision blurring until all he could see was red, red, red. 

And he sat there and watched as the life drained out of Ryan's eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Told ya, here it is!!! This will probably explain some things!! I tried to write it from Bren's pov, like with how i imagine he thinks. Again comments/likes appreciated!! Have a marvelous day lovelies!!

**Author's Note:**

> holy cool, my first story. yeah it probably sucks, but ehh i tried. I'm gonna post another one from Bren's pov some time tomorrow, his will make more sense. please tell me if there's any typos/mistakes in here and i will love you forever. comments and likes much appreciated!! Have a marvelous day, lovelies!! <3


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